American-Literature Writing.

How to Mess Around with a Latino, White and Black Boy

Inspired by Junot Diaz’s “How to Date a Browngirl, Blackgirl, Whitegirl, or Halfie”

Clean up, make yourself presentable, even though you’re probably going to spend just about an hour with him. Dress comfy, it’s not like you guys are going on a date to “La Casa Del Mofongo”. It’s a car date, nothing special. Make sure you smell good, but don’t put on too much cologne. You’ll scare him away. Text him, let him know that you are ready, and tell him to let you know when he is five minutes away from your house. If he is from around, he’ll know exactly where to go but will forget to text you. If he is from the outside, he will ask “what store do you live by?”. Just to make sure you’re not giving him a wrong address or catfishing him. If he is Latino, you know that you will be having a good time for sure.

Make sure you turn off the living room lights. Remember you are sneaking out and your mother does not know you get around like that, just yet. Don’t get caught, it will be one of the most embarrassing things that could ever happen in your household. Even though you are already twenty, you are also Latino. As long as you’re living under your mother’s roof, you have no rights.

When you see his car pulling up, go outside five minutes after he sends the text message saying “I’m here”. Just say “hi” once you see him. Neither a kiss nor a hug, show him that you are not as thirsty as you seem. Ask him about his day. He may just say the simple things he has done that day. If he is a black boy, he will quickly change the conversation and make it about you. Once he does that you’ll know he is DL. Most black guys are DL’s. They won’t speak much about themselves, because they are scared to be exposed. A white boy will ask where you are from. “Latino” you say, he will look at you with a face of excitement “caliente” he says in his broken Spanish. Laugh, but make it seem like you are laughing at the joke and not the way he said “caliente”.

Any boy will wait for you to make the first move, don’t. Don’t make it too obvious that you want him. He will just stare at your body, he wants it, but don’t give it to him too fast. Make him work for it, stare at him back. Maybe, just maybe, if you are comfortable enough touch his thigh. Until he feels uncomfortable, it will calm him down. He will brag about his penis size. They all do. That will just be his horniness talking. Get to know one another, even though you probably won’t ever see him again.

If he is the same type of race as you he will simply flirt, waiting for the right moment. Perhaps when you guys start laughing or he will just make a simple corny joke such as “lets have a staring contest. Whoever wins has to give the other person a kiss” A kiss? Yeah… that’s how a Latino boy will start off. The kiss than turns into touching. Let him touch you. He won’t just pull it out, he will ask “do you want to see it?”. Nod your head, don’t say the word “yes”, just nod. He pulls it out. Just stare at it but don’t act like you are amused, even though you may be.

The black boy had something to brag about. Smile at him, you’ll like it. He will claim that he is doing you a favor… but no. Put him in his spot before you guys even start actually having sex. Let him know that he is not doing you a favor. Just because he picked you up, doesn’t mean you have to do everything he says. Be a boss.

The outsider will surprise you. Compliment him, but don’t do anything just yet. It’s nice to have a moment of talking before actually messing around. He’ll be scared, it’s natural to be scared in a place he has never been to. His emotions will get the best of him, but it may just be that he is nervous. It happens, make him comfortable. Don’t ever tell stories about your neighborhood, it will make him even more scared. Remember you live in the most ethnic part of New York.

If you don’t like the music that he is playing, ask if you can change it. The Latino boy will let you change it, and the white boy will ask if you want to listen to Spanish music. Say no because than he will start asking what the song is saying. Again, the black guy will act like he is your boss, he will not let you change the music. Don’t speak, get him mad, and give him an attitude. It will make him feel bad, and you will get your way. You always do.

Tell him to park somewhere you know barely anyone passes by, but not too far away from your house, just in case anything happens and you need to walk home. He will want to go to the back seat, it will be more comfortable. Accept the request. Whisper into his ears as he is on top of you, make him feel good, even if he is not doing a good job. If he is Latino, he will be romantic, passionate and have sex with you like if you guys have been together for years. Don’t be scared, it’s normal. The outsider or black boy will want to do it fast… They want it to be a hit and run. If he finishes too fast, don’t feel bad. It just means that you’re too good for him.

On your way back home, it will be awkward. Talk about the sex you just had. There will be nothing else to talk about now that the flirting has stopped. When he drops you off, give him a kiss. Tell him that you will text him. If the sex was bad, block his number. The black boy will never contact you again, don’t feel bad. The white boy will want it again, but don’t do it again right away, wait a couple of months. The Latino will text you and will try to date you, don’t do it. Don’t ever start dating someone you had sex with before even having lunch together. It is a bad sign. Even though you are lonely, don’t let these boys mess with your head.

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